what matters to me

written in 2007....

I'm trying to do homework right now...theology homework...but I'm thinking about other topics besides Pentecostal Soteriology. I'm thinking about truth. I'm thinking about love. I'm thinking about justice. I'm thinking about how I have come to believe the things that I believe....and I've been thinking about these things for years.
I love Jesus. And I want to know Him. I don't want to develop a theology or philosophy on life...and I want to know Christ and the power of his ressurection and the fellowship of his sufferings. I think the most important thing in life is how I live it. How I love people. How I forgive people. I mean those things are the most important things. I could think and write notes and blogs and posts and go on and on about lofty ideas but if my life does not reflect any of these thoughts, I'm just a sounding brass or a clanging symbol. I get frustrated with myself because I'll talk about integrity, submitting to God, being a good steward of money and the earth, helping poor people, caring for those in need, and all of these wonderful things. I'll talk about being outward-focused. But 99.9% of my life is centered around my wants, my desires, my needs. Me, me me, me, me, me. Even to the point that my talking about believing about ending oppression and loving everyone is just a way of me trying to receive some sort of praise or adoration for being such an enlightened, loving person. Look at me. I'm so inspirational. I'm so exciting. I'm the shit. But I have hardly been able to put my money where my mouth is. And the people who make the most difference in this world for the good are those who showed what love is. The people that actually clothed the naked, freed the oppressed, healed the sick. Like Jesus. Mother Theresa. Martin Luther King. The person I have learned the most about integrity from is my father. And I never once heard him talk about it. But he lived it. That's what counts.
It's not about saying the most inspiring things, or trying to raise eyebrows or being completely right in the way I articulate a particular theology or thought on a specific issue. It's about who I am. Do I have character? Do I live what I speak? Am I talking about caring for others and loving Jesus just to hear my own voice or am I really truly caring for others and loving Jesus?
I have to look to Jesus as my guide. And that means that I look at Scripture and see what He did. He was loving and including. And He exhorted people to live morally. And He condemned sin. And he offered unmeritted favor for those who repent and believe in him. And he encouraged the woman at the well to "go and sin no more". And the more I think about love and ending oppression and all of those things, the more I realize that love and sin cannot co-exist. And that means that daily I must decrease and He must increase. That means I have to be humbled and realize that I'm not going to have all of the answers and I might not fully understand everything about God...but I do know and trust that He has the universe in order. It's not as complicated as I have made it out to be.
He's the bread of life...I need bread every day.
He's the living water...I need water every day.
You reap what you sow.
Your fruits will show what you are.
Those are pretty simple thoughts. I just know I need him or I can't love people. My version of love is selfish because as human, I am selfish. But Jesus shows me that you can be selfless and sacrificial in love. Not manipulative, not haughty, not dishonest, not demanding, not anything that is outside of pure love. And I can't love someone if I am doing things that ultimately hurt them. I have learned that I can't change someone's mind about some things...I can't change who they are. It's not my job. It's not my job to be right.
I just want a simple faith. I love Jesus and I like talking to Him. And I like hearing what He has to say. And I know I've experienced His presence in community. And I know he doesn't want me sitting around in the dark room of my mind thinking in circles. He wants me to follow Him and that requires movement...action. Faith in Jesus has to do with who you are. Because what I think doesn't matter if I am not living what I say I believe about Jesus. Actions speak louder than words. They really do. What really matters is who I am, what I do...not necessarily what I say. 

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