The Journey Continues...

It's been a while since I've posted and of course many things have changed in the past few months.  Maybe it's because i'm indecisive, or impatient, or maybe it's just because I'm a twenty-something and it's normal to explore and experiment with different life or career paths.  I'm 26 and am not really tied down to anyone or anything except Jesus and He's determined to make me more and more like him.  Perhaps all of these changes have taken place in order to shape and mold me.  Discipleship.  Now there's an idea. 

I've decided that I actually hate school and I don't want to teach in the Public School system.  As I was in classes this semester, I just couldn't make myself feel completely on board with having a job where I would have to bring work home everyday and deal with all the regulations and stuff that you have to deal with as a teacher.  I LOVE kids, I know that.  I'm passionate about loving and helping kids that need it, but I literally want to be their mom and like be in the foster care system or something.  Or be a youth pastor.  Or continue to volunteer at LUDIC (school for special needs kids).  But school isn't for me.  I think by pursuing a Master's Degree I was trying to prove that I was smart enough or was trying to live up to a certain status or standard.  But It really doesn't matter what degrees I have.  I have NEVER been a school person, but that doesn't mean I'm not smart, or I'm lazy or I don't have strong leadership skills or anything like that.  It just doesn't flow with me.  And it's OK.  God knows what strengths, skills, passions, and desires he's placed in me, and he did it on purpose.  School just isn't for me.

I was skimming through my previous blog where I mentioned my quarter-life crisis and how I wanted to marry a pastor and serve at any church and eventually have kids.  Those things weren't happening, so I was desperately scrambling to find some other path or some other desire.  I wanted to want something else because I wasn't getting what I wanted.  Well those desires simply haven't changed at all.  I simply couldn't be rid of them.  But I think for a long time I was just so frustrated with God for not giving me the man of my dreams that I sort of held that against him and I wasn't free to love and serve him completely.  I don't know what has changed in the past few months, maybe it's just because I've spent a lot more time praying, singing, writing, and reading my Bible, but I just don't worry about it anymore. I think I just surrendered...or I'm living in the state of surrender.  I think i attached my purpose in life to being married and since I didn't have that I tried to attach my purpose to a career, and the reality is, I've never been a "CAREER" person. Ever. The only thing I've ever wanted to do is love people, serve the church, and be a really good wife and mom. I don't have a problem with working at all, and honestly serving and assistant managing at the restaurant suits me well. I love talking to people, I love hands-on work, and I love love love food. It suits me.

I know that when the time is right, the right guy will come along and he will be as passionate about the Kingdom of God as I am.  I simply can't have anything less than that, believe me, I've tried.  Until then, I'm really content serving/Assistant managing at Catch, singing and writing songs at chuch, and just living life.  I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be today, I know that God is continually making me new.  I know that I am following my passions as much as I can right now (serving the church, music, children), and I know that God is enough for me.  I'm more happy and alive than I ever have been.  I feel like I get to use my leadership skills at work and I'm continually growing and learning.  I'm grateful for God's patience and enduring love.  I'm grateful for this process, and I'm grateful that he will always be the lover of my soul. 

"The Song of Songs, the loveliest song,
The Song of Love the King,
No Joy on earth compares with his,
But seems a broken thing,
His Name as ointment is poured forth,
And all his lovers sing:
Draw me, I will run after thee
Thou art my heart's one choice,
Oh, bring me to thy royal house
To dwell there and rejoice,
There in thy presence, Oh King,
To feast and hear thy voice
Look not upon me with contempt
Though soiled and marred I be,
The king found me-an outcast thing
And set his love upon me
I shall be perfected by love,
Made fair as the day to see."
-excerpt from Hind's Feet on High Places

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