all by myself

I recently finished reading Hind’s Feet on High Places, an allegory that depicts the spiritual journey a crippled girl named Much Afraid takes to be united with God.  The Shepherd (Jesus) calls her away from her family on this long, treacherous journey to the High Places.  He gives her the companions Sorrow and Suffering to guide her on this dangerous path.  She holds their hands through much of the Journey, although she literally feels pain from hanging on to them.  One of the places she journeys through is the Sea of Loneliness.  Its winter and she just walks along in the Lonely for a really long time.  A little bit later when she makes it to the High Places (a mountain), she bathes in the healing waters (where her legs are straightened out and her bumps, bruises and cuts disappear) but she is up there alone on the beautiful mountain for a little while before the King (God) comes to see her and take her to even higher places.  What stood out to me through the whole thing is that although she had the companions Sorrow and Suffering, much of her journey to God had to be taken through loneliness.

 I am a natural extrovert.  I get energy and happy feelings when I’m around people.  Being alone hasn’t been something that comes easily to me.  I would MUCH rather be hanging out with people I love than be alone.  For much of my life I really haven’t had to be alone for any extended period of time.  Until the past few years.  I remember the first time I had to drive to TN by myself (my brother and sister both went to Lee so we often drove together).  I was 21 years old and I cried the entire drive.  Cried.  Laura didn’t like being alone.  When I worked for Pastor Mark and led mission’s trips to Chicago, Atlanta, and New Orleans, I was on the plane alone, leading the trips alone, and staying in my hotel rooms alone.  I even got lost all by myself in Chicago and had to figure out how to get to where I needed to go without collapsing in tears in the middle of Union Station.  That’s a story I’ll have to tell on here eventually.   

 Part of the reason I’ve had to move so many times is because my roommates kept getting married.  Next month I will be a bridesmaid for the eighth time, and between all the weddings I’ve sung in, done hair for, been guest book attendant for, and helped cater, it’s been about 30 or so, and these are all people I love.  I was genuinely happy for all my friends who had found love, but it still affected me.  Because when people get married, they have less and less time to hang out.  And it just reminds me that love hasn’t snatched me up yet.  Although it has been painful, I have generally always understood that it is simply a natural progression in life. 

 Any time I would get asked out or anything would start to develop with a guy I would pray, “God, if this isn’t the right guy, please don’t let it work out…” and nothing has ever worked out.  With some guys the answer would come easily.  I simply wouldn’t be attracted to him.  Or this one guy actually told me that he was really in to someone else, but she wasn’t available and I was hot and loved Jesus so he was sure I would make a good wife.  First date.  Really?  No, thanks. How about getting to know me before talking about me being a good wife?  And I would prefer someone that wants me and only me.  Then there have been other situations where it just took me a WAY too long (years…ugh) to realize that someone just wasn’t right for me (I simply can’t be with someone who isn’t passionate about Jesus).  But the fact remains, nothing has worked out, and I wasn’t sure where that left me in the context of all my married friends.  I got to the point where it was really depressing and I was really torn up about it (year 2010…not a good time).  I would cry and pray and cry and pray and cry and pray but I just couldn’t not be lonely, and my friends simply didn’t have time for me. 

 I’ve moved home and returned to Cleveland since that year of depression and things actually haven’t changed a whole lot here.  Everyone is pretty busy.  My roommate is hardly ever home and since I moved into this apartment in October, it basically feels like I live alone.  We don’t have cable or internet, so I am left to entertain myself.  I’ve been writing songs and blogs and singing and reading the Bible and praying like crazy. 

 I think the light bulb finally went off as I was reading this book:  “Oh, God, you actually WANT me to be alone, you are actually CALLING me to loneliness, and you have been for years.”  I mean he’s really been adamant about it too.  And over time as I’ve given it to God and gotten older, the sting of loneliness isn’t quite so strong and terrible.  After realizing that God just WANTS me to be lonely right now, I have come to embrace it.  And I am pretty sure that this spiritual and creative renaissance just couldn’t happen if I wasn’t lonely. 

 As I embrace this path, a fire is growing in my heart.  I think it’s kind of like the “in-love” feelings (although I haven’t really felt that since I was like 18…is it weird I haven’t felt that since?  I’ve definitely loved but haven’t felt that burning love for a guy again…maybe it’s just being 18…maybe it’s because I was in an intense ministry program and my heart was burning for Jesus at the same time…who knows?).  I want to love and serve Jesus with everything I have.  And he wants me to do that, but I have to be like him.  The path of Jesus is the path of suffering and loneliness.  Because I have to decrease in order for Him to increase, I have to die so that He can live.  But I’m learning that as I embrace the loneliness, his joy blossoms in my heart.  My heart is becoming more and more His, and so it just becoming more and more like his.  Like this poem in Hind’s Feet based on the Song of Solomon:

Set me as a seal upon thine heart
Thou Love more strong than death
That I may feel through every part
Thy burning, fiery breath
And then like wax held in the flame,
May take the imprint of thy Name

Set me as a seal upon thine arm,
Thou love that bursts the grave
Thy coals of fire can never harm
But only purge and save
Thou jealous Love, thou burning flame,
Oh burn out all unlike thy Name

The floods can never drown thy Love,
Nor weaken thy desire,
The rains may deluge from above
But never quench thy fire
Make soft my heart in thy strong flame
To take the imprint of thy Name

 I’d like to think that I’m in Healing Waters alone right now.  I don’t feel the struggle that I used to (especially in the past week or so) and have had this sense of God healing, restoring, and making things new in me.  That’s definitely what the Vineyard has been for me.  I’m starting a “Making Peace with Your Past” class at church this coming week and I’m looking forward to working through some things and embracing God’s love for me.  God and my friend Christina have been saying that I won’t fully know and experience deeper healing until God proves it through the right guy.  Part of me wants to say I don’t need a man to show me love because I have Jesus, but then again I completely embrace the truth that we are God’s hands and feet to one another.  I want to embody God’s love to people and one day the right guy so why would I think that God wouldn’t use some man to show me just how much he loves me?  It honestly scares the poop out of me though.  Or maybe I just don’t believe that anyone could love this fireball that much.  I digress.

 The point is:  God wants me to be alone right now, today.  Maybe tomorrow will be different, but I will accept and embrace whatever season I’m in, trusting that He’s got me right where He wants me.  I’m going to keep seeking his kingdom, keep praying, keep soaking in His words, keep writing, keep singing, keep waiting tables, and just doing what I do.  I guess I will be doing those things whether I’m in a relationship or not.  I know down the road I just won’t have the free time I do now, so I embrace this part of the journey knowing that earthly sorrow and suffering turns into heavenly joy and peace.  I love Jesus, that’s for sure.

 P.S.  I hang out with people.  I promise.  I like to have fun.  One of the reasons that I’m so grateful for my job at Catch is because I work with so many really good, wonderful people.  I have found some pretty good friends there and everyone is always up for good conversation.  It’s definitely been a blessing being there.  And of course I do see my good old friends here in Cleveland and Chattanooga, but I am alone a lot. 

I am lonely, yet happy.  That sounds really weird but it’s where I am. J

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