you make beautiful things

Yesterday I was walking after a 4 mile run (I am training for a half marathon-who knew?) and I was thinking about how alive and energetic I felt, how I'm really excited about the path that God has me on, and how I got here.  I have found a contentment, joy, peace, and happiness that seemed to evade me for years.  This is a definite contrast to where I was in 2010... I am pretty sure I was experiencing what John Mayer would call a "quarter life crisis." I felt lost, afraid, uncertain, ugly, insecure, and honestly, useless.  I was working an insane amount of hours, barely making over minimum wage, and I had a degree!  Wasn't that nice $20,000 + piece of paper supposed to make me more marketable?  I think for years I just thought I would meet the right guy (he was going to be a COG pastor, of course, or a music minister), we’d get married, and I would start popping out babies.  There was no need to find any career because the church, my husband, and my kids were going to be my life.  Then here I was 25, a college graduate, and to my dismay, life was not happening the way I wanted it to.  By the summer I was working at the Boys and Girls Club again (I worked there for a year and half during undergrad) and I absolutely loved it, but it just wasn’t able to pay all of my bills.  On top of that my religious views were shifting.  I had grown up in the Church of God and was attending a very charismatic/pentecostal/evangelical church and I found great tension because I was wrestling with the beliefs I ascribed to my whole life with what I was reading about Jesus, and my observations of how western Christianity has claimed "goodness" versus the goodness of people from other faiths.  I have always been a Bible reader, but it is amazing how much your tradition can influence how you interpret the text. 

I was feeling all of things through out the year, but it wasn't until the summer of last year that I realized what I was feeling.  I went into a relationship with a wonderful guy who acted as a mirror to my soul.  In Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert says this about soul mates:

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

being the romantic that I am, I still believe that soulmates are just that: soul.  mates.   It's the person whose heart is the counterpoint to yours.  The harmony to your melody.  The cheese to your macaroni.  The person whose life's path meets and joins yours and together you set out on the same journey.  Easy.  But I like her idea that people can come into our lives to serve as mirrors.  As much as I was happy with him and the relationship, he helped me see how incredibly unhappy I was with myself.  Like it’s just not healthy for someone to come home from work, lay on the couch and cry all evening, is it?  But that’s where I was.  I feel sorry for him, I was ridiculous when we were dating.  I am so incredibly grateful that God brought him into my life though.  He brought a lot of joy, laughter, love, and a ridiculous amount of happiness to me at a very difficult time in my life.  He was also pretty liberal in his religious and political views and asked the questions I was afraid to ask, because I was afraid of questioning everything I had believed in for so long.   I really believe that he just knew God’s heart somehow and could see how religions have messed it up for so long.  Another thing that helped me out when we were together is that he really thought I was beautiful, like my heart was beautiful.  I hadn’t thought that about myself for so long and I although I know that I am God’s beloved and he makes beautiful things, it’s nice when God uses people to show us his heart for us.  It helps a lot because the world seems determined to ravage our beauty.  

I moved (ran) away from Tennessee to my warm, loving family in Pennsylvania.  I just needed a break.  They are incredible people.  I was just so very depressed and didn’t do anything but read and sit on the couch for months and months.  I finished the entire Harry Potter series during that time.  I ate a LOT of good food, spent time with my life long best friend Bonnie and her sweet baby Norah, babysat my precious niece Evie, and just sort of existed for about 8 months.  

I desperately wanted to know what to do with my life, but I just couldn’t make up my mind.  I was heartbroken having to leave the kids at the Boys and Girls club, and that my relationship ended the way it did (I loved him).  I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going and I cried and prayed and cried and prayed and cried and prayed some more.  I thought of flipping houses, going to cosmetology school, selling life insurance, teaching English in South Korea, becoming a realtor, being a youth pastor, and selling Arbonne.  I was also questioning Christianity and my believes.  I studied Buddhism, Yoga (it’s a whole lot more than excersizes), and astrology.  I still haven’t found any system of beliefs that seem better that what Jesus taught though. 

Somehow in the Spring I decided that I wanted to go to cosemetology school.  I had done hair for some friends’ wedding and I knew I enjoyed it, so I figured why not?  A housing situation worked out for me to move back to Tennessee, so in June I came back down. 

I was ready for my new life to begin, but when I got my financial aid results, they didn’t give me enough to go to beauty school, and I would have to pay out of pocket if I wanted to go in June, or I could wait like another year or two until I saved up enough money to pay for it.  Well, this setback frustrated the crap out of me and drew me to question the idea of cosmetology anyway.  By this time I was getting some work at the Boys and Girls club again (thanks Yvonne and Carl!) and I just realized: “Duh!  You love kids, did you know that?”  And I love at-risk kids, poor kids, kids in need, the kids with huge attitudes that are desperate for love, attention…. anything.  The kids that need to experience beauty, love, warmth, and hope, but they have created tough shells that make it hard to give them those things.  So I cried and prayed some more, got prayer at church (The Vineyard Chattanooga-SO WONDERFUL!) and finally realized that the best path to be on was becoming a teacher.  This is not a new concept to me either, I have been thinking about this since I was 20.  But when I was 20 I had all these credits towards a Christian Ministry degree and I just didn’t want to change my to Education or even Music Education.  Now, looking back, I would tell myself:  “CHANGE YOUR MAJOR SILLY GIRL!” But I guess hindsight is always going to be 20/20.  I am glad I know all I do about the Bible and Theology from my degree though.  It’s just not very practical.

My biggest hang-up on going to grad school to become a teacher has been a lack of confidence in myself.  Even though for years my professors have told me otherwise, I’ve had this belief that I’m just too stupid to do school.  Undergrad wasn’t exactly a breeze.  I know it’s silly, but I was legitimately afraid of even applying to grad school because I didn’t think I could do it.  It seemed like this impossible mountain to climb.  After getting prayer at church one Sunday, those fears dissipated.  It was weird.  I just wasn’t afraid anymore and it seemed like the most normal, practical thing to do.  I also realized that I have a tendency to overload myself with work and extracurricular activities that simply take time away from focusing on school.  Now my intention is to be intentional about having a balanced schedule. 

I said all of that to say that though it has been a long, excrutiating process,  but I believe that I finally have found the right path.   I never thought I would say this, but I’m really excited about school starting soon.  I can’t wait to be a teacher and  help kids in need.  I feel like I would be doing more for the world doing that than working at a church.  I am not completely settled on everything I believe about Christianity, but for the first time ever I'm ok with that.  I do know that I believe that Jesus is who he says he is and his teachings are the best I have heard from anyone.  I guess you could say he is my spiritual master.  I think he really does make all things new, he makes the dead come back to life, and he brings healing to the world.  He’s definitely done it in me.   I’m grateful for the process, and I’m so happy in life right now.   He’s making me new.